YOUR GUIDE to the 2016 Oscar BEST PICTURE Nominees

Sunday night is Oscar Sunday, or the Superbowl for people who hate sports and love complaining about golden statues that don’t mean anything. There, eight films (eight? don’t ask me, Oscar rules make no sense) will compete for the grand prize of Best Picture, dooming them to a lifetime of thinkpieces about how they were overrated and how they snubbed x-movie.

So for the purpose of making sure you have at least some knowledge of what you’re talking about when you inevitably start ranting on Twitter Sunday night (and so I can shamelessly rip off the format of my last post), here’s some basic info on The Oscars’ nominees for Best Picture.

The Big Short

The one that you thought was really cool and important, but you still don’t understand it

This was directed by the same guy who did Anchorman 2. Good conversation starter.
Yeah, banks are so evil. They really screwed us over, huh. You know, with the trading, and the lending, and the lack of regulation, and the, uh…
Ok, no matter how many Margot Robbies in bathtubs it throws at you, you still don’t understand exactly how the financial crisis happened. Basically, all you remember from this film is that something happened, it involved banks and money, it was bad, and Margot Robbie appeared in a bathtub.

Bridge of Spies

Remember long ago, when the young little cinephile in you would drop your lucky charms to the floor and rush to the nearest theater at the mere prospect of a new Spielberg movie? Spielberg, the guy who brought you Raiders of the Lost Ark, Jaws, ET, Schindler’s List, Saving Private Ryan, Jurassic Park, The Color Purple, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Munich, and Minority Report? And Hook, but you like to forget about that one.

Now, you see his movies out of obligation. War Horse, Lincoln, The Adventures of Tintin… none bad, but none that you view any higher than an enjoyable two hours. Add Bridge of Spies to that list.

Brooklyn

Nobody has seen Brooklyn. The only people who’ve seen Brooklyn are either film critics, people who work for really fancy theaters, and douchebags who just wanna criticize you for not having seen everything.

But, c’mon! You don’t care how high its Rotten Tomatoes score is (it’s high), how many critics have told you it’s actually really good (a lot), how many best-of lists its included on (tons), you refuse to see Brooklyn out of principle. Because as the type of pretentious arty kid who reads Pitchfork daily, right now having not seen Brooklyn is all that connects you to the mainstream.

Mad Max: Fury Road

“Like, oh my god, remember when they rode into the sandstorm? And the pole vaulting, from CAR to CAR! And, like, all practical effects, like, can you believe that! So awesome! So fucking awesome! And the cinematography! And editing! Like, wow! George Miller, man, George Miller. And Furiosa! Character of the year, amirright? So badass, so badass… And the flaming guitar, like, what the fuck? So imaginative! Like, just wow. Classic…classic”

The Martian

You: “I love The Martian, the effects and science were so cool.”

Your mom: “I love The Martian, Matt Damon was great”

Your dad: “I love The Martian, can you believe all the shit he did with potatoes?”

Your best friend: “I love The Martian, I still can’t believe Childish Gambino was in it!”

Your Grandma: “I love The Martian, I like that it was serious, but fun, but not too fun, mainly serious, but you could still laugh.”

Nobody: “I want The Martian to win Best Picture.”

The Revenant

Your thoughts on the movie: “It was alright. It really wasn’t anything that great, if we’re being honest. It was basically just 2+ hours of torture porn, the characters weren’t that well drawn out, and sure it looked beautiful, but that doesn’t make a movie alone.”

Your thoughts on Leo: “OH MY GOD. GIVE HIM AN OSCAR ALREADY!!!”

Room

“The one that’s sad. Really, really sad.”

All respects to Leo, but give that kid an Oscar, now!

Did you cry when seeing this? — Yes

Are you ready to talk about it? — No

Are you still crying? — Yes

Do you wanna be left alone to ponder how much you love your family and how fucked up the world is? — Yes

Spotlight

“The one you pretended to have seen to sound intelligent”

The award for the one actually cool movie poster goes to…

“What? Yeah, I totally saw Spotlight. It’s so important, you know? It’s so terrible, what those priests did, and people really need to see that, and also see what good journalism is, like, can we give a hand to the good journalists at the, uh, what was it, yes, the Boston Herald, Globe, I said Boston Globe, and it’s a shame that good journalism like that doesn’t exist anymore, because journalism is really important, as this movie shows, just like how pedophilia is bad. Yeah.”

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